I am finally so sick and tired of who I am that I’m all in. Time to transform this bullshit so I can fly free. I’m being invited to welcome the growth that’s meant to happen.
I felt this way a few years ago before making a big shift, and here I am again. The energy started around the same time, in summer 2021. Things felt like they were changing, leading up to something. Lots of new awareness dropped in leading me to make the choices I made. The big shift finally came in November of that year.
Do I think there will be another massive shift in November for me again? Possibly. I know there’s going to be a massive change starting around spring of 2026 when the reality of moving fully sets in. And who knows, maybe it’ll even be sooner than that, but even with that looming, I feel something else is brewing for me underneath the surface.
The shift that happened that November in 2021 was drastic. Literally transformed the entire dynamic of my life. There’s a lot of healing, forgiveness, and acceptance that needs to happen around that shift, as well as gratitude for all the wonderful things that came from it.
I have learned so much from that time period up through now.
And I am still learning more as I reflect back, as there are unlearned lessons that require my immediate attention.
What I have seen about myself disgusts me. And of course, I only see the bad things and never the accomplishments I’ve made in my life. All of those are reduced to nothing, giving more space to what I loathe about myself instead.
And I am so fucking sick and tired of being that person. The person who can’t see their worth, even when other people shove it in their face and practically down their throat. I don’t want to hide (or hide from) the parts of me that are lashing out as my projections. I want to know them, to understand them, to hold and love them.
It’s all alchemy.
It’s all sitting with the discomfort and recognizing things about yourself that bring you shame, guilt, anger, and fear. It’s about coming back home to yourself and learning who you are. It’s about making conscious decisions to change things about you, even when it’s hard. It requires a whole new level of trust and the capacity to accept what is unknown.
Everything in my life blew up at once, leaving no stone unturned. I know while it feels like hell right now, things will get better. I know I have to trust that it’s all happening to move me to where I need to be. Where I’ve dreamed of being for a long time. I had to lose it all to build it back up the way it was always meant to be.
And while it seems overwhelming, I am ready to do it.
I only have to go one day at a time (because, really, that’s all I can do). I’ve slowed down a lot. I’m taking time to rest without guilt, trusting that everything will be ok. I’m learning to feel safe surrendering to the unknown.
Growth hurts, but the pain is temporary. It won’t be hard all the time because as I learn to feel safe with who I am, I’ll handle life more easily. I’ll learn to cultivate trust and safety. I’ll start to see and feel my worth and welcome in my next level self (and she’s so magickal!).
And I’ll start living.
I have started, actually. Every day brings me more to live for. Even if it’s pain, I still get to feel and experience something, which is way better than being numb. Every day I get to learn about myself and get a chance to put those new lessons into play.
I see life differently all of a sudden. It was like I woke up as a new person one day. Nothing that mattered before matters now. It’s time to look forward and create, not look back and lament.