It’s the most difficult thing on Earth — watching the people you love burn up in flames. What I mean is, we have no control over others. Sometimes we see the potential in them they don’t notice, but we have to watch them fumble as they find their own way to it. It’s not our place to interject or try to have it our way.
We watch from the sidelines as they sink into their own patterns, getting lost in their own sea of emotions. We have to sit back, watching them drown, because if we pull them out they never learn the lesson. And it’s the hardest thing ever.
We’re Naturally Wired to Help
Humans are wired for community. We’re not meant to go at life alone (even though sometimes it can feel like it). We want to help each other. We’re all connected through Source, and when we feel that connection to one another it hurts to see our loved ones suffering at their own expense.
But when we step in, we rob them of their true experience. We try to take away the pain that’s necessary for them to feel. It’s all in good intention, but it’s not our journey.
It hurts to watch someone go through a difficult time with themselves. Maybe it’s depression or anxiety. Maybe old anger or grief that hasn’t been processed. Whatever it is, we all go through it at some point. Some people however can’t get themselves out of it, and if we can, we typically want to help.
We share our experiences, hold space for each other, and offer compassion, encouragement, and grace. Often we teach others what we did in hopes that maybe it will bring them some relief or awareness too.
The Internal Emotional Rollercoaster
As caring and compassionate beings, we feel and see the pain some of our loved ones carry. They might not be able to see it, but it’s there in every aspect of their lives. Watching certain patterns of destruction can cause us an internal emotional rollercoaster because we can’t involve ourselves within this person’s journey.
When we recognize that we can’t take responsibility for another person, it can set off a slew of emotions. We can internalize guilt for not being able to help or for setting boundaries. We can become angry or resentful that the other person isn’t going to or doesn’t want to change. Sometimes, we take on their emotions as our own and ride the rollercoaster together.
Doing this only hurts us in the end. While we want to help, getting involved only takes the focus out of our own life. We must step back and let them have their experience. And this can hurt like hell.
Being there for support is one thing, but enabling, coddling, or assuming responsibility for something that’s not yours, is another.
Offering Support from a Distance
Supporting people can look a lot of different ways. Holding space is one of the ways we can offer support from a distance.
“Holding space” for someone means that you’re there for them if they need to talk or vent, but you’re not there to offer advice. You don’t get involved in their outcome, you just are a “rock” for them. You’re holding neutrality on their outcome and the way they get there, offering love every step of the way.
Let go of judgment. As people burn in their flames you have to let them. It’s not your job to save them. That may sound harsh but it’s the truth. No one is coming to save you either. You have to save yourself. You are responsible for you.
And when you recognize that, you become able to help and support others in an even deeper way. Your security and understanding of yourself give you a whole different energy that inspires others to do their work and free themselves of the patterns that hold them back.
Be the Earth that Smothers the Fire
The more you understand yourself and accept that we’re all on our own journeys, the more grounded you become. When you are the Earth, you can put out the Fire.
It’s called boundaries.
Be so rooted in who you are and what you will and will not accept in your life that you create strong boundaries to protect that. When people project their BS onto you, stop it in its tracks. Constructing boundaries can be hard, but it’s necessary if you want to stay in your power and out of people pleasing patterns.
This is when you have to watch your loved ones burn up in flames. If there’s something you don’t want in your life, and they’re doing it, they’ve got to go. And maybe they’ll change, but maybe they won’t. You have no say in the matter.
It’s hard to watch, but you have to ask yourself some questions about why you’re keeping it around when you know it’s hurting you too. It’s important to realize their stuff is theirs and yours is yours. You can’t work through their stuff, they’ve got to do it themselves.
Be the one who is grounded so you can help others as they work through their BS. They may come at you with their fire, but you don’t have to take it on. Love and support them but keep your boundaries strong.
As Ram Dass says, “We are all just walking each other home”. Help them find their way.
If you would like to release attachments to someone or strengthen your ability to create boundaries, click here to book an online session.